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“It’s all right if you can’t remember. Our subconscious is spectacularly agile. Sometimes it knows when to take us away, as a kind of protection.” ~Kathleen Glasgow
A couple of weeks ago, I found myself crying in the park. It was supposed to be just a typical summer day. I was enjoying my usual stroll with my dog, Boni. The sun was shining, and the shade of the trees provided a very welcoming shelter from the burning sun.
Children were running and laughing, and their joy drew me in. Two of them, tiny three-year-olds, were squealing, all happy, wearing Hawaiian-style skirts and flowers around their necks.
I looked to the right, and there was the perfect birthday scene: a whole setup with tables, an abundance of food and drinks, balloons floating in the air, hanging by invisible threads, adults conversing with each other, and more kids playing in different spots.
The atmosphere was so heartwarming that I immediately felt happy for the birthday girl. Inspired by the scene, I asked myself, “Oh, how were my birthday parties?“
Blank.
Oh my, I couldn’t remember my birthday parties as a child past a certain age, no matter how hard I tried. It was as if I were walking to a place I was sure existed, and all of a sudden, I found a wall. Where the hell did it go? Why can’t I see it? Why is this wall here? Immediately, I started crying. “I don’t remember!” I said to myself repeatedly, sad and frustrated.
Boni started walking me around as I tried to recall my memories. “You can do this, Erika, c’mon!” But I couldn’t. My last memory of a birthday party as a child was before I was physically and sexually abused. All parties after that? Blank. Did they exist? I’m pretty sure they did. Did I have fun? I have no idea.
The question here is not the birthday parties per se; I’m sure I had some sort of celebration, but the heartbreak was knowing little Erika was so hurt and traumatized that her brain shut down on such special occasions.
If you’ve been through traumatic experiences, you may be relating to me right now and thinking, “I feel you, Erika. How do we deal with that?” I get you. It is so painful not having experienced certain things, not being able to remember, not being able to hop into some conversations because your childhood was not “normal” or you can’t remember anything.
But I’m here to bring you hope. Even though it is heartbreaking, you can soothe your heart and find peace. That’s what happened to me on that day when I realized I couldn’t remember my birthday parties. I used five steps I’ve learned on my healing journey to help me process my emotions and get back to my center fairly quickly.
You can use these same steps every time you feel triggered by a memory (or lack thereof) or if something from your past is really bothering you.
1. Acknowledge the pain.
If there’s one thing I learned on my healing journey, it’s that pain needs to be seen and acknowledged. There’s no point in wiping our tears away and pretending like nothing happened. I tried that, and it resulted in years of feeling anxious and numb.
Nowadays, I welcome the pain and celebrate the tears. They are a sign of release, and isn’t that what we want? To release these emotions and pain stored in our bodies?
That’s where I started. I acknowledged my pain. And I know this sounds wild, but I started talking to myself there and then. I spoke to little Erika: “I get what you are feeling. It is painful, and it sucks. You didn’t deserve to go through all that. I see you. Feel what you want to feel. I will hold you; I’m here for you.” And I let the tears, the sadness, and the grief take over.
Although it was a bit unusual to go through this process at the park, I believe that walking and being in nature helped me work through my emotions more easily. I’m not trying to have another breakdown at the park, but being surrounded by nature and moving really came in handy!
2. Soothe and regulate.
My next step was to help myself regulate. After allowing my feelings to surface, I wanted to bring myself to a more grounded place. We want to express our emotions, but being in that place for longer than necessary is not ideal either.
So, I used deep, slow breaths to help me relax, gently touched my arms up and down, softly rubbed the palms of my hands against each other, and kept walking in silence. The feelings were still there, but as time passed, they became less intense, and the sense of panic I felt started to fade.
I can’t remember if I hummed, but it helped me regulate my emotions in the past, so I’m leaving it here in case you can use an extra tip.
3. Bring yourself back to the present moment.
After letting grief take over and returning our body to safety, it is time to get back to the present moment, because when we go through situations like this, our mind goes straight to the past, and for that instant, we’re not here anymore. That is normal, but we’ve got to pull ourselves back. And that’s what I did.
Shamelessly, I started talking to little Erika again: “Girl, we got awesome birthday parties now! You are surrounded by love, and home feels safe. It’s simply amazing!“
The trick is to show yourself that you’re no longer in the past.
My hope is that you are safe and in a different position right now and that your painful past circumstances are no longer present in your daily life. If that’s not where you are yet, my heart goes out to you, and I want you to know that you are not alone. It is not unusual for survivors to find themselves in situations that are eerily similar to their past, but after all you’ve been through, you deserve better. You deserve to take your power back. May this be your sign to reach for support to create real safety in your life.
You might have felt powerless back then, but you have the power now. And that takes us to the next step.
4. Make plans for the future:
Here is the thing: in these situations, we tend to focus on what we didn’t have, what we lost, or what we were “robbed” of. But this is you taking your power back. Yes, you didn’t have it back then, but you can give it to yourself right now if you choose to, whether that’s something tangible like a birthday cake or something more emotionally based, like self-validation.
Since you have the power, you get to decide what to do from here. And that’s exactly what I did. I reflected on my conversation with my inner child and figured out my needs—in the moment and moving forward.
So ask yourself what you need, and go all in; this is not the time to be embarrassed or to overlook your needs. Need bigger birthday parties? A more active social life? More rest? Asking everyone to take pictures at events so you can look back and remember?
Sometimes this step takes a bit of time, so it’s okay to ask the question and allow space for the answers to come. Whatever that need is, you can always give it to yourself now. I know you may be thinking it, so let me say this: it is never too late to give yourself what you didn’t have back then. You deserve it!
5. Talk about it.
This step is entirely optional, but I found out through personal experience that it can be highly beneficial to you and your loved ones. In my case, I was walking my dog, and eventually, I needed to get back home, where my partner was waiting for me.
In the past, I’d say nothing about what happened and just keep it to myself. I’d think, “I dealt with it, so what’s the point in sharing?“
But here’s the thing (only valid if we’re talking about healthy, loving, supporting people): when you share what happened to you, your loved one will understand why you may be “off.” They may help you with anything you need; they can give you space and time, or a hug, or a shoulder to cry a bit more on.
Or in my case, a very enthusiastic “Your next birthday parties are going to be SPECTACULAR! We’re gonna celebrate so much and create loads of new beautiful memories!“
People who love you want to know what’s going on with you and to support you in any way they can, so don’t hesitate to reach out.
These were the steps that helped me on that day, and honestly, on any day I felt triggered by memories of the past, or the absence of them. My hope is that they help you, too.
Know that you are not alone, and that from the present moment, anything can happen. Your past may sometimes come to shake you, but you can turn it into a powerful moment of healing and release. Lean into curiosity and show yourself some love and compassion. You really deserve it.
Cheers to filling in the blanks with new, beautiful, happy memories!
