Today, start by giving yourself grace and remembering not to judge yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. Every step is necessary, and everyone journeys in their own way…
Some people start their careers right out of college in their early twenties, only to find themselves burnt out and starting over when they reach their early thirties. Others start working minimum wage jobs right out of high school and work their way up the corporate ladder, retiring happily in their mid-sixties. Some people fall in love and get married in their mid-twenties, but wind up divorced a few years later. Others marry in their early forties and spend four decades with their soul mate. Some couples are ridiculed for becoming teen parents, but end up living to meet their great grandchildren. Other couples get pregnant in their mid-forties and are ridiculed in a different way, but make it work just fine.
Again, everyone’s journey is different.
So just remind yourself right now: there are no absolutes in life.
And there certainly are no fixed timelines.
It’s not too late to make the best of what’s in front of you.
You’re exactly where you need to be right now.
Which means it’s time to…
1. Start being a beginner again.
“Starting over is not an option!”
Unfortunately that’s a lie many of us hold on to until the bitter end.
The idea of starting over being a bad thing is baked right into the fabric of our society’s education system. We send our children to a university when they’re 17 or 18, and basically tell them to choose a career path they’ll be happy with for the next 40 years. “But what if I choose wrong?” I remember thinking to myself. And that’s exactly what I did, in more ways than one. Over the years, however, I’ve learned the truth through experience: you can change paths anytime you want to, and oftentimes it’s absolutely necessary that you do.
Yes, starting over and making substantial changes in your life is almost always feasible. It won’t be easy of course, but neither is being stuck with a lifelong career you naively chose when you were a teenager. And neither is holding on to something that’s not meant to be, or something that’s already long gone.
The truth is, no one wins a game of chess by only moving forward; sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win. And this is a perfect metaphor for life. Sometimes when it feels like you’re running into one dead end after another, it’s actually a sign that you’re not on the right path. Maybe you were meant to hang a left back when you took a right, and that’s perfectly fine. Life gradually teaches us that U-turns are allowed. So turn around when you must! There’s a big difference between giving up and starting over in the right direction. And there are three little words that can release you from your past mistakes and regrets, and get you back on track. These words are: “From now on…”
So from now on what should you do?
Mix it up a little bit. Take one step at a time. Find ways to provide a healthy challenge to your current understanding of life, and you will discover and experience far more of life’s magic in the days ahead. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
2. Start doing the hard stuff you’ve been putting off.
Find the courage to do the hard things you need to do to be happy. The things no one else seems to be doing for themselves. The things that frighten you a little bit. The things others can’t possibly do for you. The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward. Yes, do those things, because those are the things that define you! Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living—between knowing the path and walking the path… between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with happiness and personal growth.
And remember, the courage to do hard things doesn’t always roar out loud. Sometimes it’s simply the quiet voice at the very end of the day whispering, “I will try again tomorrow.”
3. Start embracing the discomfort that’s worth it to you.
Discomfort can be a form of pain, but it isn’t a deep pain—it’s a shallow one. It’s the feeling you get when you’ve stepped outside of your comfort zone. The idea of exercising in many people’s minds, for example, brings discomfort, so they don’t do it. Eating a spinach and kale salad brings discomfort too. So does meditating, or writing in a journal, or focusing on a difficult task, or saying “no” to others. Of course these are just examples, because different people find discomfort in different things, but you get the gist.
The key thing to understand is that most forms of discomfort actually help us grow into our strongest and smartest selves. However, many of us were raised by loving parents who did so much to make our childhoods comfortable, that we inadvertently grew up to subconsciously believe that we don’t need discomfort in our lives. So now we run from it constantly. The problem with this is that, by running from discomfort, we are constrained to partake in only the activities and opportunities within our comfort zones. And since our comfort zones are relativity small, we miss out on most of life’s greatest and healthiest experiences, and we get stuck in a debilitating cycle.
Let’s use diet and exercise as an example…
- First, we become unhealthy because eating healthy food and exercising feels uncomfortable, so we opt for comfort food and mindless TV watching instead.
- But then, being unhealthy is also uncomfortable, so we seek to distract ourselves from the reality of our unhealthy bodies by eating more unhealthy food and watching more unhealthy entertainment and going to the mall to shop for things we don’t really want or need. And our discomfort just gets worse.
Amazingly, the simple act of accepting a little discomfort every day and taking it one small step at a time can solve most of our common problems, and make our minds happier, healthier, and stronger in the long run.
But again, it’s hard sometimes—really, really hard! There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. That’s not how we’re made. We’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall here and there. Because that’s part of living—to face discomfort, learn from it, and adapt over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
So when you find yourself cocooned in isolation and cannot find your way out of the darkness, remember that this is similar to the place where caterpillars go to grow their wings. Just because today is uncomfortable and stressful, doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be wonderful. You just got to get there.
4. Start consciously thinking better about yourself.
You have to admit, you’ve spent a lot of your life subconsciously belittling yourself. Thinking you’re not enough. Trying to be someone else. Someone who fits in. Someone who’s less sensitive. Less needy. Less flawed. Less YOU. Because you felt broken, and you didn’t want to scare people away. You wanted them to like you. You wanted to make a good impression. You wanted to be seen as worthy and lovable. So you could feel healed and whole.
And so for the longest time, behind a facade of fake smiles, you have inadvertently betrayed yourself for the purpose of pleasing everyone else.
And for longest time, your heart has ached.
But you’re at a point now where you’re seeing things differently. The heartache just isn’t worth it anymore. Belittling yourself for one more day just doesn’t make any sense. And more than that, you now realize no matter what you do or how you change, some people will never be pleased anyway.
You now realize you have to start doing things for the right reasons!
Not because it’s what you think everyone else needs, but because you finally know yourself to be worthy of your own love and care.
Not because other people approve of you, but because you are breathing your own air, thinking your own thoughts, and occupying a space no one else ever could.
Yes, you are indeed worthy! Your ideas are worthy. Your feelings are worthy. Your needs are worthy. And without everyone else’s constant validation, you must be who you are and live your truth. Even if it makes people turn their heads. Even if it means walking alone down the path less traveled for awhile…
Even if your self-confidence has been shaken!
The real battle is always in your mind. And your mind is under your control, not the other way around.
You may have been broken down by adversity or rejection or stress, but YOU are not broken. So don’t let others convince you otherwise. And don’t let your mind get the best of you either.
Heal yourself by refusing to belittle yourself.
Choose to take up a lot of positive space in your own life today. Choose to give yourself permission to meet your own needs. Choose to honor your feelings and emotions. Choose to make self-love and self-care a part of your daily rituals…
Choose to think better about yourself, so you can live better in spite of the challenges you face.
5. Start taking short breaks away from your own issues.
In life’s tougher moments, we all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything from the viewpoint of how it affects us. And this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect, to feeling lost and alone with our issues when we’re having a bad day.
So whenever I catch myself lingering at the center in a negative state of mind, I do my best to briefly shift my focus away from my own issues, and onto other people around me that I might be able to help. Finding little ways to be of service to others gets me out of my self-centered thinking, and then I’m not wallowing alone in self-pity anymore—I’m starting to think about what others need. I’m not doubting myself, because the question of whether I’m good enough is no longer the central question. The central question now is about what others need.
It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel a bit lost or stuck with your own issues, try to shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those around you. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” ask, “How can I help you?” Find someone who could use an extra hand and make a small, reasonable offer they can’t refuse. The perspective you gain from doing so will guide you forward.
Angel and I initially developed this strategy in our lives about 15 years ago as we were struggling with the near simultaneous loss of two loved ones. It was really hard to find motivation when we didn’t think we had the strength to push forward—when we felt downright defeated and sorry for ourselves. But we took one small step every day—oftentimes just writing a short blog post to share some lessons learned with others who might find our stories and ideas helpful—and it felt good, and we gradually grew stronger.
This morning, as I caught myself struggling with some recent inner conflicts, I followed suit again—I took a small step forward… just turning on my laptop, opening up a new document, and writing a single sentence. Such an action is so small as to seem insignificant, and yet so easy as to be possible when I was feeling down. And it showed me the next step was possible, and the next. And the end result is the blog post you’ve just finished reading. I sincerely hope you’ve benefited from it in some small way.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn today! I sincerely hope you will make the best of it, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will leverage the reminders above to create something that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the outcomes you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will be extra kind to yourself and others.
And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
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